just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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