You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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