were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
this hospital has no fireball
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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