We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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