she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
