if you like me you must not know who I am
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
she peed on how many people?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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