sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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