I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
