i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
