quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
