You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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