so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
