Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
