the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
