There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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