When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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