Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Randomize
