Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
