im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
