I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
