I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
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