Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I'm passing your future prison.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
