There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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