I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
