and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
