I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize