pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
