Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
