I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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