Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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