We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
