I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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