Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Randomize
