This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
