Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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