She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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