I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
