Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
