Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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