everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
