you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
