In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
