at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Randomize
