i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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