so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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