I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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