i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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