I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
