chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
