Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
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I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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