I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
