dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
