i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
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