You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
