a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
