I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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