remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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