she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
