i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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