:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
