i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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