I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
