big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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