I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you traded sex for a burrito?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
